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| A Walk on the Beach.... |
Packages...
christmas eve...and a mixture of thoughts
ive been dreading these next couple days for so long, and now that they are here. I don't know how to feel, trying to keep a positive attitude about it all, but everything is so different. some for the better, some not so good changes.
trying to make sense of it all, is hard, trying to figure out where i belong on this whole big ball, called earth. everything i once thought was truth, is now slipping through my fingers as i realize, that my truth, wasn't truth at all, but lies that have been told to me for so many years that i began to believe them, to the point that now i feel like my world is being turned upside down at the realization of all of this...
"The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much" (beautiful by mercy me)
I don't have strength today, i feel worthless, and i am wondering if anyone will ever truly love me, the me behind the smile they see...
but today i am going to try as best as i can to hold onto the reason we celebrate these couple days...Jesus...maybe if i can just hold onto Him, everything may not be so horrid after all, even in this pain....
trying to make sense of it all, is hard, trying to figure out where i belong on this whole big ball, called earth. everything i once thought was truth, is now slipping through my fingers as i realize, that my truth, wasn't truth at all, but lies that have been told to me for so many years that i began to believe them, to the point that now i feel like my world is being turned upside down at the realization of all of this...
"The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much" (beautiful by mercy me)
I don't have strength today, i feel worthless, and i am wondering if anyone will ever truly love me, the me behind the smile they see...
but today i am going to try as best as i can to hold onto the reason we celebrate these couple days...Jesus...maybe if i can just hold onto Him, everything may not be so horrid after all, even in this pain....
not feeling like myself...
i don't feel like myself a lot lately. waking up confused, having to remember where i am at and whats going on around me. i seem to still function through the day ok, but i feel so dissociated from everything at the same time. i don't know how to make sense of it all either. its only a few days before Christmas, maybe that's why i am feeling this way, as Christmas has always been the time where some of the worst things happened in my childhood.
i hate the fact i can't seem to explain whats going on inside me. so many different things all at once, and i feel like i cant stop any of it. yet still having to put on the smile and the everything is ok face, for the sake of others not asking questions, or telling me to snap out of it....
i hate the fact i can't seem to explain whats going on inside me. so many different things all at once, and i feel like i cant stop any of it. yet still having to put on the smile and the everything is ok face, for the sake of others not asking questions, or telling me to snap out of it....
no words
i feel like no words can describe what goes on inside me sometimes...the emptiness...the struggle to make it through the day. i shouldn't have to fight so hard to just get through a normal day...(then again i dont believe "normal" exists)
im just tired...so very tired...
im just tired...so very tired...
sad
just feeling sad today..cried for a long time after waking up this morning. it takes a lot for me to let myself cry usually...but today the tears keep falling...
Counseling Appt. Today.
I want to scream, to use unhealthy coping skills to avoid feeling right now. I want to believe that my therapist really cares but right now I am so hurt. I don't know how to process everything she said, and I feel after a certain point I just shut her out, I know that everything she said is what I need to do...but I think so much of me doesn't want to let go...
I guess on some level, I thought that maybe someone could change my past, could change it all, so that the pain was no longer there. Someone who would tell me what I wanted to hear, that the past was just all a bad dream and that one day I would wake up and it would all be over....but today that's not what happend.
Instead, I was told, that yes my past is painful and horrid but I need to take steps to move forward. I know that is true...but that also means that I have to accept my past for what it was and accept the pain and begin to take steps toward my future despite it.
But it hurts and its hard, I have spent years running and trying not to accept it all....
Maybe all that I am writing makes no sense, but I just need to try and make sense of it somehow.
I didn't wake up one morning asking to be a 23 yr old adult who is struggling so much at times not wanting to make it till tomorrow...I didn't choose my past...I didn't choose to be a victim...or a survivor. But I am!
And just like my counselor told me today, I can't change my past....no matter how much I may want to. I have to move forward somehow... even in the Pain!
But it all hurts like hell!
I guess on some level, I thought that maybe someone could change my past, could change it all, so that the pain was no longer there. Someone who would tell me what I wanted to hear, that the past was just all a bad dream and that one day I would wake up and it would all be over....but today that's not what happend.
Instead, I was told, that yes my past is painful and horrid but I need to take steps to move forward. I know that is true...but that also means that I have to accept my past for what it was and accept the pain and begin to take steps toward my future despite it.
But it hurts and its hard, I have spent years running and trying not to accept it all....
Maybe all that I am writing makes no sense, but I just need to try and make sense of it somehow.
I didn't wake up one morning asking to be a 23 yr old adult who is struggling so much at times not wanting to make it till tomorrow...I didn't choose my past...I didn't choose to be a victim...or a survivor. But I am!
And just like my counselor told me today, I can't change my past....no matter how much I may want to. I have to move forward somehow... even in the Pain!
But it all hurts like hell!
darkness...
I can some how manage to get through my mornings, and afternoons...but the moment the sun goes down, the darkness of the night, seems to penetrate everything within me....the anxiety rises, the fear overwhelms, and the memories hit, like a crashing wave I can't escape.
I struggle through the night, praying I will just sleep it away, but sleep is filled with horrid dreams..waking up often, feeling like I got hit by a truck in the morning.
I was suppose to go to church this morning, haven't been in a over a month. But again I couldn't get myself to walk in a building and see the joy of faces, when all I feel is tired, sad, and so far away from God. So I decided to get up and go for a walk instead, but today not even the sunlight on my face, or the morning seems to wash away the darkness in my mind, and heart.
Moments like this make me wonder, why I keep fighting so hard, when the harder I fight the more the darkness of my past seems to affect every tiny detail of my life. Tomorrow I have therapy for the first time in about three weeks, and I am at a lose as to where to begin....
I know that it will help to talk about it, but how do I talk about these things. How do I put a voice to this darkness, when for years it has kept me silenced. Silenced by fear of what others will think, silenced by the truth that so many people don't understand the road I have walked, and instead of trying to understand, they just tell me to get over it, to move on, to let go of the past. But for me the past isn't the past, it's my everyday life.
So many thoughts running through my mind today...and all i want to do is crawl back in bed, because the sun is up, which means I can sleep for at least a couple hours....until the darkness invades again!
I struggle through the night, praying I will just sleep it away, but sleep is filled with horrid dreams..waking up often, feeling like I got hit by a truck in the morning.
I was suppose to go to church this morning, haven't been in a over a month. But again I couldn't get myself to walk in a building and see the joy of faces, when all I feel is tired, sad, and so far away from God. So I decided to get up and go for a walk instead, but today not even the sunlight on my face, or the morning seems to wash away the darkness in my mind, and heart.
Moments like this make me wonder, why I keep fighting so hard, when the harder I fight the more the darkness of my past seems to affect every tiny detail of my life. Tomorrow I have therapy for the first time in about three weeks, and I am at a lose as to where to begin....
I know that it will help to talk about it, but how do I talk about these things. How do I put a voice to this darkness, when for years it has kept me silenced. Silenced by fear of what others will think, silenced by the truth that so many people don't understand the road I have walked, and instead of trying to understand, they just tell me to get over it, to move on, to let go of the past. But for me the past isn't the past, it's my everyday life.
So many thoughts running through my mind today...and all i want to do is crawl back in bed, because the sun is up, which means I can sleep for at least a couple hours....until the darkness invades again!
Trauma.
Trauma in a person life, no matter how big or small, changes you. In my own life there have been many years of trauma, no need to go into the details right now, other then to say I have spent my life, trying to convince myself that I am ok, and that the trauma that happened in my life wasn't really that bad. BUT I was lying to myself and to the world around me,
It has changed me, and I am just beginning to realize just how much it has changed me..some ways for the better, but right now I am seeing all the hurtful ways it has changed me. The constant fear.
I was talking to a dear friend tonight, and I asked her, if she could go back and change her life, would she?...after a moment of silence, she said "no, I wouldn't..." we both agreed that if we could just know then, what we know now....hindsight 20/20 if you will.
The tears threaten to spill over, as I write this, because the memories are right at the surface. years of memories I wish I could erase. I wish I could tell the little girl inside of me, that its going to be ok....that she can cry these tears...but right now I don't know if I can do that....
I wish I didn't trust the words of a man, who's only goal was to get what he wanted from me, using any means necessary....including telling me and making me believe that he loved me....
no words to describe the pain I feel tonight...as the reality of the trauma in my life, begins to come to the surface....
It has changed me, and I am just beginning to realize just how much it has changed me..some ways for the better, but right now I am seeing all the hurtful ways it has changed me. The constant fear.
I was talking to a dear friend tonight, and I asked her, if she could go back and change her life, would she?...after a moment of silence, she said "no, I wouldn't..." we both agreed that if we could just know then, what we know now....hindsight 20/20 if you will.
The tears threaten to spill over, as I write this, because the memories are right at the surface. years of memories I wish I could erase. I wish I could tell the little girl inside of me, that its going to be ok....that she can cry these tears...but right now I don't know if I can do that....
I wish I didn't trust the words of a man, who's only goal was to get what he wanted from me, using any means necessary....including telling me and making me believe that he loved me....
no words to describe the pain I feel tonight...as the reality of the trauma in my life, begins to come to the surface....
....I hate this....
I hate these constant memories...even in moments when nothing is really triggering me, but they keep playing in my head like a movie where the stop button is broken....
His face, the way he was missing one part of his finger on his right hand., the smell of his breathe on me.... its all playing my head...
the tears are burning behind my eyes, and my stomach is in knots but if you saw me face to face today...i would put on the smile, to somehow make you believe that im ok...
BUT THE TRUTH IS IM NOT AND I WONDER IF I EVER WILL BE!!
His face, the way he was missing one part of his finger on his right hand., the smell of his breathe on me.... its all playing my head...
the tears are burning behind my eyes, and my stomach is in knots but if you saw me face to face today...i would put on the smile, to somehow make you believe that im ok...
BUT THE TRUTH IS IM NOT AND I WONDER IF I EVER WILL BE!!
so tired of the fakeness.
I am tired of being fake, pretending life is wonderful, that I am doing great and that everything is perfect.
BECAUSE ITS NOT!!
Life hurts right now, and I am trying my best to hold onto God and push through the pain. But I refuse to pretend any longer...but people around me dont want to see the broken girl inside me, they dont want to see the sadness that lays behind every smile...
they ask whats wrong, but they dont stop long enough to hear the real answer, instead they probably without thinking, tell me that everything is going to be ok, and that i am an overcomer and that they love me.
As if those words wipe away all the pain i feel. i need support right now, not words that are said without even thinking.
Everything will be Ok, I am in overcomer and I will get through this with an Amazing God who has never stopped loving me.
But right now those words, are just that, a bunch of words to make me feel better.
YET THEY DONT.
And the more people speak those words, without hearing my heart, the more alone I feel. the more I feel like I should go back to being fake, pretending to be ok, just to not feel so alone.
But I know I cant be fake any longer....
So I will grab God's hand as best as I can, and be as real as I can, even if it means on the earth I will feel so alone....
BECAUSE ITS NOT!!
Life hurts right now, and I am trying my best to hold onto God and push through the pain. But I refuse to pretend any longer...but people around me dont want to see the broken girl inside me, they dont want to see the sadness that lays behind every smile...
they ask whats wrong, but they dont stop long enough to hear the real answer, instead they probably without thinking, tell me that everything is going to be ok, and that i am an overcomer and that they love me.
As if those words wipe away all the pain i feel. i need support right now, not words that are said without even thinking.
Everything will be Ok, I am in overcomer and I will get through this with an Amazing God who has never stopped loving me.
But right now those words, are just that, a bunch of words to make me feel better.
YET THEY DONT.
And the more people speak those words, without hearing my heart, the more alone I feel. the more I feel like I should go back to being fake, pretending to be ok, just to not feel so alone.
But I know I cant be fake any longer....
So I will grab God's hand as best as I can, and be as real as I can, even if it means on the earth I will feel so alone....
pretty little world vs. the true reality
Sometimes to protect ourselves we create this pretty little world , and in this world, its where we are able to deal with the situations, mostly painful or traumatizing situations by maybe pretending that they didn't affect us as much as they really did. By minimizing the event, we are able to keep our emotions in check, and to function in everyday life like we need too....
But there comes a day where this pretty little world, is taken away, and the true reality of those events in our lives comes to the surface....those emotions we tried to keep in check, come rushing back like an overwhelming flood.
Today was the beginning of this pretty little world vs. the true reality for me....
It's painful and I am not so sure I am ready to face this true reality, but I also know that if the choice was up to me I would never face it, because its painful and ugly and REAL!!!!
I have to face it to heal, I have to acknowledge that what happened to me was REAL and painful, and hurting and has affected every area of my life...AND I have to let myself FEEL the emotions that come along with this reality.
One baby step at a time........
But there comes a day where this pretty little world, is taken away, and the true reality of those events in our lives comes to the surface....those emotions we tried to keep in check, come rushing back like an overwhelming flood.
Today was the beginning of this pretty little world vs. the true reality for me....
It's painful and I am not so sure I am ready to face this true reality, but I also know that if the choice was up to me I would never face it, because its painful and ugly and REAL!!!!
I have to face it to heal, I have to acknowledge that what happened to me was REAL and painful, and hurting and has affected every area of my life...AND I have to let myself FEEL the emotions that come along with this reality.
One baby step at a time........
Living Life
How do you tell your heart to beat again, when its been numb and broken for so long? How do you start living life when all you have done for so many years is go through the motions and try to survive? How do you tell people around you that think your doing wonderful, that inside your hurting and not sure how to find God in the midst of the pain?
I have been sort of numb to life the last few days...because the emotions became to much to bear it was easier to pretend and try to forget if only for a few moments....
But deep down inside, I really want to live this abundant life that Jesus bought for me, when He paid the price on the Cross. I really want to walk with my Abba through the journey of healing, so that I can become the person, He has seen me as, since before I was born. I want to believe I am worthy of love, and that I am beautiful and breathe taking to my Creator.
I know one day I will get to that place and when I do it will be so amazing and this journey I am on will have been well worth it.....
Although right now there are a lot of questions, and a lot of doubts, and many sleepless nights, and tears cried.
For right now I remember the story in Matthew, where it talks about a man who asked Jesus to heal his son, And he told Jesus, " Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief"...
So today I am choosing to say "Abba, I believe in You and I trust that you are holding me in this and that You will continue to walk with me through all of this, but I ask that you help me in my areas of unbelief and doubts...in Jesus Name...Amen"
I have been sort of numb to life the last few days...because the emotions became to much to bear it was easier to pretend and try to forget if only for a few moments....
But deep down inside, I really want to live this abundant life that Jesus bought for me, when He paid the price on the Cross. I really want to walk with my Abba through the journey of healing, so that I can become the person, He has seen me as, since before I was born. I want to believe I am worthy of love, and that I am beautiful and breathe taking to my Creator.
I know one day I will get to that place and when I do it will be so amazing and this journey I am on will have been well worth it.....
Although right now there are a lot of questions, and a lot of doubts, and many sleepless nights, and tears cried.
For right now I remember the story in Matthew, where it talks about a man who asked Jesus to heal his son, And he told Jesus, " Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief"...
So today I am choosing to say "Abba, I believe in You and I trust that you are holding me in this and that You will continue to walk with me through all of this, but I ask that you help me in my areas of unbelief and doubts...in Jesus Name...Amen"
A loss of words and answers this week....
This week, has been one of those weeks, that I wish I could just forget most of it, and repeat the other half of it....I made stupid choices this week, cried more then laughed, and took out my frustration and pain on those I love...
Yet somewhere in the midst of this last week, I have been reminded that there is a God who still loves me when I am angry at Him, or question why He is asking me to walk such a painful and at times feels hopeless, journey.
I don't know why some people seems to understand God in such a powerful way, and why others of us struggle to hold onto the truth that HE LOVES US UNCONDITIONALLY.
But for right now, I am going to hold onto the words in Lamentations 3:28-30 Message Version
When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.
31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:
Yet somewhere in the midst of this last week, I have been reminded that there is a God who still loves me when I am angry at Him, or question why He is asking me to walk such a painful and at times feels hopeless, journey.
I don't know why some people seems to understand God in such a powerful way, and why others of us struggle to hold onto the truth that HE LOVES US UNCONDITIONALLY.
But for right now, I am going to hold onto the words in Lamentations 3:28-30 Message Version
When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.
31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:
Praise and Worship
I woke up this morning feeling a bit sad....yet I managed to get myself out of bed, into the shower and ready for church in record time....
Yet church isn't a place I have wanted to be lately...to be completely honest...I walk in and feel like I have to put on the smile everyone wants to see...
But somehow this morning...it was different...as much as I tried I couldn't fake the smile...instead almost 5 minutes after walking in, the tears brimming in my eyes threatened to spill out...
I tend not to allow others to see my emotions but I am quickly learning on this journey, that in order to heal I have to let my emotions out, I have to allow myself to feel those emotions and no longer try to deny or pretend they don't exist...
TRUTH: My emotions do exist, and yet I have spent countless years avoiding them...at all cost...which has lead to many years of tears that have never been cried, pain that has never been dealt with and a string of other emotions I never knew I had because I wouldn't let myself have them....
So today during praise and worship at church...the tears came...so quickly that for a few moments I felt like I was unable to breathe... but I ALLOWED them to fall....which I know may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people but for me it was I think a big step right now..
I kept singing the songs that were played...and I felt like it was a moment where I stopped fighting God and allowed Him to bring the emotions to the surface...
I am realizing for the first time just how much I have buried deep inside, and that this is a JOURNEY not a FIX IT IN ONE DAY problem.
Yet church isn't a place I have wanted to be lately...to be completely honest...I walk in and feel like I have to put on the smile everyone wants to see...
But somehow this morning...it was different...as much as I tried I couldn't fake the smile...instead almost 5 minutes after walking in, the tears brimming in my eyes threatened to spill out...
I tend not to allow others to see my emotions but I am quickly learning on this journey, that in order to heal I have to let my emotions out, I have to allow myself to feel those emotions and no longer try to deny or pretend they don't exist...
TRUTH: My emotions do exist, and yet I have spent countless years avoiding them...at all cost...which has lead to many years of tears that have never been cried, pain that has never been dealt with and a string of other emotions I never knew I had because I wouldn't let myself have them....
So today during praise and worship at church...the tears came...so quickly that for a few moments I felt like I was unable to breathe... but I ALLOWED them to fall....which I know may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people but for me it was I think a big step right now..
I kept singing the songs that were played...and I felt like it was a moment where I stopped fighting God and allowed Him to bring the emotions to the surface...
I am realizing for the first time just how much I have buried deep inside, and that this is a JOURNEY not a FIX IT IN ONE DAY problem.
It's only the beginning....
I have chosen to blog about my journey of healing, maybe through this it will bring more healing as I write out my thoughts and my feelings, and also bring insight and healing to those who have or may not have walked a similar journey that I am now just beginning.
Today as I walked out of my therapy session, my therapist gives me a hug and tells me to protect my heart...
The thought that runs through my mind is how do I protect my heart??? If you ask me, that's what I have been doing for the last 23 years of my life, protecting my heart, building walls so that no one would be able to hurt me again....
You see I grew up in what most people would call, a HIGHLY DYSFUNCTIONAL family. And I had to learn to protect myself at all costs...to survive no matter what happened....and along the way I built walls, and locked a lot of doors in my heart, and I threw away the key....I didn't just lock people out, I locked the little girl inside me in....
I didn't want people to hear or see that broken, wounded, bleeding little girl inside me....
And for many many years I have hid her behind the title of being the Sweet Young Lady everyone wanted me to be...in Church I am the Usher and the Children's Ministry Worker, At work I am the Loving Nanny, At School I am the dedicated Bible School Student....but underneath those titles I am just a young lady who loves the Lord, but has never allowed Him into the locked rooms in her heart, never allowed Him to heal the broken little girl who still hides in the corner and cries at night.
So this is my journey...of taking off the masks and allowing God to walk me in a journey of healing. Some posts may be encouraging while others may be full of pain and raw truth....but I am taking a step to show the world the truth, the pain, the joy, and the journey of healing that I am only beginning...
Today as I walked out of my therapy session, my therapist gives me a hug and tells me to protect my heart...
The thought that runs through my mind is how do I protect my heart??? If you ask me, that's what I have been doing for the last 23 years of my life, protecting my heart, building walls so that no one would be able to hurt me again....
You see I grew up in what most people would call, a HIGHLY DYSFUNCTIONAL family. And I had to learn to protect myself at all costs...to survive no matter what happened....and along the way I built walls, and locked a lot of doors in my heart, and I threw away the key....I didn't just lock people out, I locked the little girl inside me in....
I didn't want people to hear or see that broken, wounded, bleeding little girl inside me....
And for many many years I have hid her behind the title of being the Sweet Young Lady everyone wanted me to be...in Church I am the Usher and the Children's Ministry Worker, At work I am the Loving Nanny, At School I am the dedicated Bible School Student....but underneath those titles I am just a young lady who loves the Lord, but has never allowed Him into the locked rooms in her heart, never allowed Him to heal the broken little girl who still hides in the corner and cries at night.
So this is my journey...of taking off the masks and allowing God to walk me in a journey of healing. Some posts may be encouraging while others may be full of pain and raw truth....but I am taking a step to show the world the truth, the pain, the joy, and the journey of healing that I am only beginning...
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