Praise and Worship

I woke up this morning feeling a bit sad....yet I managed to get myself out of bed, into the shower and ready for church in record time....

Yet church isn't a place I have wanted to be lately...to be completely honest...I walk in and feel like I have to put on the smile everyone wants to see...

But somehow this morning...it was different...as much as I tried I couldn't fake the smile...instead almost 5 minutes after walking in, the tears brimming in my eyes threatened to spill out...

I tend not to allow others to see my emotions but I am quickly learning on this journey, that in order to heal I have to let my emotions out, I have to allow myself to feel those emotions and no longer try to deny or pretend they don't exist...

TRUTH: My emotions do exist, and yet I have spent countless years avoiding them...at all cost...which has lead to many years of tears that have never been cried, pain that has never been dealt with and a string of other emotions I never knew I had because I wouldn't let myself have them....

So today during praise and worship at church...the tears came...so quickly that for a few moments I felt like I was unable to breathe... but I ALLOWED them to fall....which I know may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people but for me it was I think a big step right now..

I kept singing the songs that were played...and I felt like it was a moment where I stopped fighting God and allowed Him to bring the emotions to the surface...

I am realizing for the first time just how much I have buried deep inside, and that this is a JOURNEY not a FIX IT IN ONE DAY problem.