Life's unexpected turns

I'm sick in bed, a matter of days before Christmas, I really honestly wouldn't mind staying here till Christmas is over... But life's and it's unexpected turns has other plans...

I am now part of a family where children are looking forward to my excitement and joy on Christmas. And after all, it's all about Christ and His gift to us.... I know I am a wreachted sinner in need of the unending grace and mercy given.

But the depression threatens to overwhelm...but I AM stronger then last Christmas and I will get through this somehow... And hopefully find some joy doing it....that's my prayer!!!

Woke up feeling like my heart is broken beyond repair, that the damaged caused can not be undone...that I will always be broken....

Scared to let God love me, Scared to fully believe that love can be healing and beautiful, when all its ever been is a terrible trap...

Trying to go back...

I was one of those little girls, who never wanted to grow up...what I saw as a child from an adult was only pain and heartache. Promises broken, and lives fall apart.

And right now at 23 I still don't want to grow up...

What I want is to be a little girl who is loved, instead of abused, a little girl who laughs, instead of cries in the dark because she is afraid, a little girl who knows she is a princess because her daddy is the King of Kings. A little girl who lives with a family that is kind, and has dinners together and plays together....

But that is just a dream, because that little girl is no where to be found...instead I am fighting moving forward in my healing because I just want to go back and change all the ugly memories I have. To make things right.

But I can't...and it hurts!!!!!!!

Blessings

It always seem that when I reach the point of hopelessness and can't do anything anymore, and I finally cry out to God, that He always comes through. This time it was in the form of a job!!! Something I have needed for a while, but it wasn't until I stopped trying to do it myself and gave it to God that He came through!!!

It is such a blessing, and a refreshing sense of hope for me the last two days. I woke up this morning ready to rejoice in the glory of God and looking forward to the day...

And I think I finally realized that just because things are going great right now, doesnt mean that the struggles have gone away or that I won't have moments of tears and feeling lost...but I think for the first time in a long time I feel HOPEFUL!

HOPEFUL that God hasn't given up on me, that He hears my prayers and is faithful to answer when I surrender to Him, hopeful that I do have a future beyond the pain of my past!!!...

So today I am thankful for the many blessing, such a loving God has poured on me, and I am thankful for the pain I have to walk through, because without it I wouldn't see all the blessing in the midst of the pain!!!

<3

Confusion, So much confusion...

Didn't get to have therapy today, like I had hoped, she had to cancel. So now I am just stuck with all these thoughts going on in my head. My eyes burning with tears that I refuse to let fall.

How did I get to this place? A place where I question everything I thought I knew. Even questioning God, which scares me, because I feel like I am not suppose to question Him. But I just don't understand anything right now.

I should rejoice that this month celebrates my 3 years Post-Mercy. And how far I have come since then, but in a lot of ways I feel like I haven't grown at all.

It's just hard...and they only way through it is to seek God, but I feel so unworthy, misunderstood, and ashamed right now,

all I can say is, "Lord, please meet me in this place...please"

Lost..

The last few days have been really hard, i seem to be in a deep fog, im having a hard time pulling myself out of. Last night I turned to some old coping habits, only to find that they no longer numb me like i want them too, instead i woke up in a greater state of sadness and depression.

I am just so tired of hurting emotionally, and no one really understanding, and those that do, are dealing with a lot in their own lives, so I don't want to burden them with mine..so I am left feeling lonely.

Nightmares and flashbacks from the CSA are hitting in heavy and intense waves...some times making me sick to my stomach.

I am just so tired today, and lost....

finding words...

I haven't been posting in a long time. I realized I just couldn't find the words...and many times I found myself typing a post, but never being able to click the publish button.

So I am just going to write and whatever comes out, I will leave as is, so if you can't understand of it, I apologize ahead of time.

What is healing?? How would you define healing?

 Webster, : to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome...

 I think I have been getting this whole healing thing mixed up...because instead of trying to overcome, the struggle and things I am dealing with, I have been trying to forget them. But I CANT FORGET, and that's the biggest problem in my healing lately, as I am beginning to not only remember my past, I am having to walk through the emotions of it all as well...And the memories alone can be overwhelming. Then throw in years of repressed emotions...and you get a BIG MESS!!!


Where is God in the midst of all this?


I could give you the "Christian" answer and that would be that God is right beside me, walking with me.
But as I thought about it today, I don't think God is right beside me, I think He is in front of me, saying "Trinity, I am here, listen to my voice, follow my voice, let my voice guide you to the light, that is at the end of this dark tunnel."

Because lately I feel like my life has been a blind walk in a dark tunnel..and I have not  been doing a great job at trying to find my way out of it..I just sat down and gave up. Not in a literal way, but I think in an emotional, I dont know if I can really go forward kind of way. 


Today during therapy, Donna told me that I was carrying the load of way to many people, God only intended us to carry our own load, and if that is not enough, God asks us to Him the things we hold onto, trading our load for His, which is light. 

A LOT EASIER SAID THEN DONE!!! 


She then asked me if there was a one person whose load I felt like I could give up first, who would it be...and I thought of my dad....Sound's crazy, right? My dad is a grown man living his own life...But if you take a glimpse in my heart...


You would see that I blame myself, for HIS drug use, thinking if I could have not been born sick, or been a better daughter who wouldn't have used drugs. For all the times he would leave and not come back, I wondered what I did to make him leave. 
I have been carry years of false guilt, guilt that doesn't belong to me, on my dad's behalf... (I am not saying that my dad is a horrible person....) I love him dearly, but he made some horrible choices that have left me hurt and broken for many years...
As I thought about this more today...I realized that in my mind I thought if I made my dad's choices, my fault and my responsibility, then it would make what he did hurt less...but I have only added more pain to myself......


I have a lot of work to do in the area of healing, to overcome my past...but God is standing in front of me " Trinity...my daughter, I love you, and you CAN do this.." 


And that is all I need to know right now.