christmas eve...and a mixture of thoughts

ive been dreading these next couple days for so long, and now that they are here. I don't know how to feel, trying to keep a positive attitude about it all, but everything is so different. some for the better, some not so good changes.
trying to make sense of it all, is hard, trying to figure out where i belong on this whole big ball, called earth. everything i once thought was truth, is now slipping through my fingers as i realize, that my truth, wasn't truth at all, but lies that have been told to me for so many years that i began to believe them, to the point that now i feel like my world is being turned upside down at the realization of all of this...

"The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much" (beautiful by mercy me) 


I don't have strength today, i feel worthless, and i am wondering if anyone will ever truly love me, the me behind the smile they see...

but today i am going to try as best as i can to hold onto the reason we celebrate these couple days...Jesus...maybe if i can just hold onto Him, everything may not be so horrid after all, even in this pain.... 

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