darkness...

I can some how manage to get through my mornings, and afternoons...but the moment the sun goes down, the darkness of the night, seems to penetrate everything within me....the anxiety rises, the fear overwhelms, and the memories hit, like a crashing wave I can't escape.
I struggle through the night, praying I will just sleep it away, but sleep is filled with horrid dreams..waking up often, feeling like I got hit by a truck in the morning.
I was suppose to go to church this morning, haven't been in a over a month. But again I couldn't get myself to walk in a building and see the joy of faces, when all I feel is tired, sad, and so far away from God. So I decided to get up and go for a walk instead, but today not even the sunlight on my face, or the morning seems to wash away the darkness in my mind, and heart.

Moments like this make me wonder, why I keep fighting so hard, when the harder I fight the more the darkness of my past seems to affect every tiny detail of my life. Tomorrow I have therapy for the first time in about three weeks, and I am at a lose as to where to begin....

I know that it will help to talk about it, but how do I talk about these things. How do I put a voice to this darkness, when for years it has kept me silenced. Silenced by fear of what others will think, silenced by the truth that so many people don't understand the road I have walked, and instead of trying to understand, they just tell me to get over it, to move on, to let go of the past. But for me the past isn't the past, it's my everyday life.

So many thoughts running through my mind today...and all i want to do is crawl back in bed, because the sun is up, which means I can sleep for at least a couple hours....until the darkness invades again!