I want to scream, to use unhealthy coping skills to avoid feeling right now. I want to believe that my therapist really cares but right now I am so hurt. I don't know how to process everything she said, and I feel after a certain point I just shut her out, I know that everything she said is what I need to do...but I think so much of me doesn't want to let go...
I guess on some level, I thought that maybe someone could change my past, could change it all, so that the pain was no longer there. Someone who would tell me what I wanted to hear, that the past was just all a bad dream and that one day I would wake up and it would all be over....but today that's not what happend.
Instead, I was told, that yes my past is painful and horrid but I need to take steps to move forward. I know that is true...but that also means that I have to accept my past for what it was and accept the pain and begin to take steps toward my future despite it.
But it hurts and its hard, I have spent years running and trying not to accept it all....
Maybe all that I am writing makes no sense, but I just need to try and make sense of it somehow.
I didn't wake up one morning asking to be a 23 yr old adult who is struggling so much at times not wanting to make it till tomorrow...I didn't choose my past...I didn't choose to be a victim...or a survivor. But I am!
And just like my counselor told me today, I can't change my past....no matter how much I may want to. I have to move forward somehow... even in the Pain!
But it all hurts like hell!
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