Woke up feeling like my heart is broken beyond repair, that the damaged caused can not be undone...that I will always be broken....
Scared to let God love me, Scared to fully believe that love can be healing and beautiful, when all its ever been is a terrible trap...
Trying to go back...
I was one of those little girls, who never wanted to grow up...what I saw as a child from an adult was only pain and heartache. Promises broken, and lives fall apart.
And right now at 23 I still don't want to grow up...
What I want is to be a little girl who is loved, instead of abused, a little girl who laughs, instead of cries in the dark because she is afraid, a little girl who knows she is a princess because her daddy is the King of Kings. A little girl who lives with a family that is kind, and has dinners together and plays together....
But that is just a dream, because that little girl is no where to be found...instead I am fighting moving forward in my healing because I just want to go back and change all the ugly memories I have. To make things right.
But I can't...and it hurts!!!!!!!
And right now at 23 I still don't want to grow up...
What I want is to be a little girl who is loved, instead of abused, a little girl who laughs, instead of cries in the dark because she is afraid, a little girl who knows she is a princess because her daddy is the King of Kings. A little girl who lives with a family that is kind, and has dinners together and plays together....
But that is just a dream, because that little girl is no where to be found...instead I am fighting moving forward in my healing because I just want to go back and change all the ugly memories I have. To make things right.
But I can't...and it hurts!!!!!!!
Blessings
It always seem that when I reach the point of hopelessness and can't do anything anymore, and I finally cry out to God, that He always comes through. This time it was in the form of a job!!! Something I have needed for a while, but it wasn't until I stopped trying to do it myself and gave it to God that He came through!!!
It is such a blessing, and a refreshing sense of hope for me the last two days. I woke up this morning ready to rejoice in the glory of God and looking forward to the day...
And I think I finally realized that just because things are going great right now, doesnt mean that the struggles have gone away or that I won't have moments of tears and feeling lost...but I think for the first time in a long time I feel HOPEFUL!
HOPEFUL that God hasn't given up on me, that He hears my prayers and is faithful to answer when I surrender to Him, hopeful that I do have a future beyond the pain of my past!!!...
So today I am thankful for the many blessing, such a loving God has poured on me, and I am thankful for the pain I have to walk through, because without it I wouldn't see all the blessing in the midst of the pain!!!
<3
It is such a blessing, and a refreshing sense of hope for me the last two days. I woke up this morning ready to rejoice in the glory of God and looking forward to the day...
And I think I finally realized that just because things are going great right now, doesnt mean that the struggles have gone away or that I won't have moments of tears and feeling lost...but I think for the first time in a long time I feel HOPEFUL!
HOPEFUL that God hasn't given up on me, that He hears my prayers and is faithful to answer when I surrender to Him, hopeful that I do have a future beyond the pain of my past!!!...
So today I am thankful for the many blessing, such a loving God has poured on me, and I am thankful for the pain I have to walk through, because without it I wouldn't see all the blessing in the midst of the pain!!!
<3
Confusion, So much confusion...
Didn't get to have therapy today, like I had hoped, she had to cancel. So now I am just stuck with all these thoughts going on in my head. My eyes burning with tears that I refuse to let fall.
How did I get to this place? A place where I question everything I thought I knew. Even questioning God, which scares me, because I feel like I am not suppose to question Him. But I just don't understand anything right now.
I should rejoice that this month celebrates my 3 years Post-Mercy. And how far I have come since then, but in a lot of ways I feel like I haven't grown at all.
It's just hard...and they only way through it is to seek God, but I feel so unworthy, misunderstood, and ashamed right now,
all I can say is, "Lord, please meet me in this place...please"
How did I get to this place? A place where I question everything I thought I knew. Even questioning God, which scares me, because I feel like I am not suppose to question Him. But I just don't understand anything right now.
I should rejoice that this month celebrates my 3 years Post-Mercy. And how far I have come since then, but in a lot of ways I feel like I haven't grown at all.
It's just hard...and they only way through it is to seek God, but I feel so unworthy, misunderstood, and ashamed right now,
all I can say is, "Lord, please meet me in this place...please"
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