Packages...

A Walk on the Beach....

Some of my family for the first time in years, sent me Christmas gifts, and I received them just about an hour ago. As I was opening them, I wasn't sure what to expect, considering my relationship with my family, is far from great. But my aunt sent me this picture, taken when her and I were walking on the beach after my grandfather's memorial service. And I cried looking at it, as I remember that at that moment, on that walk, I felt a hopefully for the future, but lately, that hope has all but disappeared. Today this was a reminder, I believe that God sent to help me see, that if I just hold on there can be a future...I just have to hold on. Big things can come in small packages!

christmas eve...and a mixture of thoughts

ive been dreading these next couple days for so long, and now that they are here. I don't know how to feel, trying to keep a positive attitude about it all, but everything is so different. some for the better, some not so good changes.
trying to make sense of it all, is hard, trying to figure out where i belong on this whole big ball, called earth. everything i once thought was truth, is now slipping through my fingers as i realize, that my truth, wasn't truth at all, but lies that have been told to me for so many years that i began to believe them, to the point that now i feel like my world is being turned upside down at the realization of all of this...

"The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much" (beautiful by mercy me) 

I don't have strength today, i feel worthless, and i am wondering if anyone will ever truly love me, the me behind the smile they see...

but today i am going to try as best as i can to hold onto the reason we celebrate these couple days...Jesus...maybe if i can just hold onto Him, everything may not be so horrid after all, even in this pain.... 

not feeling like myself...

i don't feel like myself a lot lately. waking up confused, having to remember where i am at and whats going on around me. i seem to still function through the day ok, but i feel so dissociated from everything at the same time. i don't know how to make sense of it all either. its only a few days before Christmas, maybe that's why i am feeling this way, as Christmas has always been the time where some of the worst things happened in my childhood.

i hate the fact i can't seem to explain whats going on inside me. so many different things all at once, and i feel like i cant stop any of it. yet still having to put on the smile and the everything is ok face, for the sake of others not asking questions, or telling me to snap out of it....

no words

i feel like no words can describe what goes on inside me sometimes...the emptiness...the struggle to make it through the day. i shouldn't have to fight so hard to just get through a normal day...(then again i dont believe "normal" exists)


im just tired...so very tired...

sad

just feeling sad today..cried for a long time after waking up this morning. it takes a lot for me to let myself cry usually...but today the tears keep falling...

Counseling Appt. Today.

I want to scream, to use unhealthy coping skills to avoid feeling right now. I want to believe that my therapist really cares but right now I am so hurt. I don't know how to process everything she said, and I feel after a certain point I just shut her out, I know that everything she said is what I need to do...but I think so much of me doesn't want to let go...

I guess on some level, I thought that maybe someone could change my past, could change it all, so that the pain was no longer there. Someone who would tell me what I wanted to hear, that the past was just all a bad dream and that one day I would wake up and it would all be over....but today that's not what happend.

Instead, I was told, that yes my past is painful and horrid but I need to take steps to move forward. I know that is true...but that also means that I have to accept my past for what it was and accept the pain and begin to take steps toward my future despite it.

But it hurts and its hard, I have spent years running and trying not to accept it all....

Maybe all that I am writing makes no sense, but I just need to try and make sense of it somehow.

I didn't wake up one morning asking to be a 23 yr old adult who is struggling so much at times not wanting to make it till tomorrow...I didn't choose my past...I didn't choose to be a victim...or a survivor. But I am!

And just like my counselor told me today, I can't change my past....no matter how much I may want to. I have to move forward somehow... even in the Pain!

But it all hurts like hell!

darkness...

I can some how manage to get through my mornings, and afternoons...but the moment the sun goes down, the darkness of the night, seems to penetrate everything within me....the anxiety rises, the fear overwhelms, and the memories hit, like a crashing wave I can't escape.
I struggle through the night, praying I will just sleep it away, but sleep is filled with horrid dreams..waking up often, feeling like I got hit by a truck in the morning.
I was suppose to go to church this morning, haven't been in a over a month. But again I couldn't get myself to walk in a building and see the joy of faces, when all I feel is tired, sad, and so far away from God. So I decided to get up and go for a walk instead, but today not even the sunlight on my face, or the morning seems to wash away the darkness in my mind, and heart.

Moments like this make me wonder, why I keep fighting so hard, when the harder I fight the more the darkness of my past seems to affect every tiny detail of my life. Tomorrow I have therapy for the first time in about three weeks, and I am at a lose as to where to begin....

I know that it will help to talk about it, but how do I talk about these things. How do I put a voice to this darkness, when for years it has kept me silenced. Silenced by fear of what others will think, silenced by the truth that so many people don't understand the road I have walked, and instead of trying to understand, they just tell me to get over it, to move on, to let go of the past. But for me the past isn't the past, it's my everyday life.

So many thoughts running through my mind today...and all i want to do is crawl back in bed, because the sun is up, which means I can sleep for at least a couple hours....until the darkness invades again!

Trauma.

Trauma in a person life, no matter how big or small, changes you. In my own life there have been many years of trauma, no need to go into the details right now, other then to say I have spent my life, trying to convince myself that I am ok, and that the trauma that happened in my life wasn't really that bad. BUT I was lying to myself and to the world around me,

It has changed me, and I am just beginning to realize just how much it has changed me..some ways for the better, but right now I am seeing all the hurtful ways it has changed me. The constant fear.

I was talking to a dear friend tonight, and I asked her, if she could go back and change her life, would she?...after a moment of silence, she said "no, I wouldn't..." we both agreed that if we could just know then, what we know now....hindsight 20/20 if you will.

The tears threaten to spill over, as I write this, because the memories are right at the surface. years of memories I wish I could erase. I wish I could tell the little girl inside of me, that its going to be ok....that she can cry these tears...but right now I don't know if I can do that....

I wish I didn't trust the words of a man, who's only goal was to get what he wanted from me, using any means necessary....including telling me and making me believe that he loved me....

no words to describe the pain I feel tonight...as the reality of the trauma in my life, begins to come to the surface....