Fear of letting go, fear of moving forward.....

I haven't posted on this blog in quiet a while. Its hard to find words...as things are constantly changing. I am finally feeling a little better about life, now that the medicine is working more.

I find myself in a constant state of fear lately...fear of facing the past and moving forward...letting go of these bad coping mechanisms I have used to survive for so long.And fear of moving forward...afraid of what the future does or doesn't hold. 

I had a really long therapy session today, which was helpful...as she just let me talk and get my thoughts and feelings out in the open...but i couldn't connect the emotions to the feeling...laughing at moments I should probably be crying, and joking in moments when its not really funny...but it was my way of dealing with it, without really dealing with it if that makes sense.

Tomorrow night I start a support group called Untangling Relationships. I am nervous, as I never like rooms full of people...but I am trying to be positive and hope this works out, and I can actually find support and understanding from people who are going through similar things....

There is no quick fix to healing..its a long, painful process...an uphill battle...I just have to keep fighting, because even though I don't know how or when...somehow it has to be ok!

sometimes it feels as though this painful road will never end...

it's been an intense week and a half. i spent 6 days in the hospital, psych unit. now i am trying to get adjusted to the medication they have me on, hoping that it will begin to make some of the darkness disappear so that i can really start to work on all the pain that lies underneath the darkness of depression.

but sometimes like today i question if this painful journey will ever end??

Packages...

A Walk on the Beach....

Some of my family for the first time in years, sent me Christmas gifts, and I received them just about an hour ago. As I was opening them, I wasn't sure what to expect, considering my relationship with my family, is far from great. But my aunt sent me this picture, taken when her and I were walking on the beach after my grandfather's memorial service. And I cried looking at it, as I remember that at that moment, on that walk, I felt a hopefully for the future, but lately, that hope has all but disappeared. Today this was a reminder, I believe that God sent to help me see, that if I just hold on there can be a future...I just have to hold on. Big things can come in small packages!

christmas eve...and a mixture of thoughts

ive been dreading these next couple days for so long, and now that they are here. I don't know how to feel, trying to keep a positive attitude about it all, but everything is so different. some for the better, some not so good changes.
trying to make sense of it all, is hard, trying to figure out where i belong on this whole big ball, called earth. everything i once thought was truth, is now slipping through my fingers as i realize, that my truth, wasn't truth at all, but lies that have been told to me for so many years that i began to believe them, to the point that now i feel like my world is being turned upside down at the realization of all of this...

"The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much" (beautiful by mercy me) 

I don't have strength today, i feel worthless, and i am wondering if anyone will ever truly love me, the me behind the smile they see...

but today i am going to try as best as i can to hold onto the reason we celebrate these couple days...Jesus...maybe if i can just hold onto Him, everything may not be so horrid after all, even in this pain.... 

not feeling like myself...

i don't feel like myself a lot lately. waking up confused, having to remember where i am at and whats going on around me. i seem to still function through the day ok, but i feel so dissociated from everything at the same time. i don't know how to make sense of it all either. its only a few days before Christmas, maybe that's why i am feeling this way, as Christmas has always been the time where some of the worst things happened in my childhood.

i hate the fact i can't seem to explain whats going on inside me. so many different things all at once, and i feel like i cant stop any of it. yet still having to put on the smile and the everything is ok face, for the sake of others not asking questions, or telling me to snap out of it....

no words

i feel like no words can describe what goes on inside me sometimes...the emptiness...the struggle to make it through the day. i shouldn't have to fight so hard to just get through a normal day...(then again i dont believe "normal" exists)


im just tired...so very tired...

sad

just feeling sad today..cried for a long time after waking up this morning. it takes a lot for me to let myself cry usually...but today the tears keep falling...