finding words...

I haven't been posting in a long time. I realized I just couldn't find the words...and many times I found myself typing a post, but never being able to click the publish button.

So I am just going to write and whatever comes out, I will leave as is, so if you can't understand of it, I apologize ahead of time.

What is healing?? How would you define healing?

 Webster, : to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome...

 I think I have been getting this whole healing thing mixed up...because instead of trying to overcome, the struggle and things I am dealing with, I have been trying to forget them. But I CANT FORGET, and that's the biggest problem in my healing lately, as I am beginning to not only remember my past, I am having to walk through the emotions of it all as well...And the memories alone can be overwhelming. Then throw in years of repressed emotions...and you get a BIG MESS!!!


Where is God in the midst of all this?


I could give you the "Christian" answer and that would be that God is right beside me, walking with me.
But as I thought about it today, I don't think God is right beside me, I think He is in front of me, saying "Trinity, I am here, listen to my voice, follow my voice, let my voice guide you to the light, that is at the end of this dark tunnel."

Because lately I feel like my life has been a blind walk in a dark tunnel..and I have not  been doing a great job at trying to find my way out of it..I just sat down and gave up. Not in a literal way, but I think in an emotional, I dont know if I can really go forward kind of way. 


Today during therapy, Donna told me that I was carrying the load of way to many people, God only intended us to carry our own load, and if that is not enough, God asks us to Him the things we hold onto, trading our load for His, which is light. 

A LOT EASIER SAID THEN DONE!!! 


She then asked me if there was a one person whose load I felt like I could give up first, who would it be...and I thought of my dad....Sound's crazy, right? My dad is a grown man living his own life...But if you take a glimpse in my heart...


You would see that I blame myself, for HIS drug use, thinking if I could have not been born sick, or been a better daughter who wouldn't have used drugs. For all the times he would leave and not come back, I wondered what I did to make him leave. 
I have been carry years of false guilt, guilt that doesn't belong to me, on my dad's behalf... (I am not saying that my dad is a horrible person....) I love him dearly, but he made some horrible choices that have left me hurt and broken for many years...
As I thought about this more today...I realized that in my mind I thought if I made my dad's choices, my fault and my responsibility, then it would make what he did hurt less...but I have only added more pain to myself......


I have a lot of work to do in the area of healing, to overcome my past...but God is standing in front of me " Trinity...my daughter, I love you, and you CAN do this.." 


And that is all I need to know right now.