I am tired of being fake, pretending life is wonderful, that I am doing great and that everything is perfect.
BECAUSE ITS NOT!!
Life hurts right now, and I am trying my best to hold onto God and push through the pain. But I refuse to pretend any longer...but people around me dont want to see the broken girl inside me, they dont want to see the sadness that lays behind every smile...
they ask whats wrong, but they dont stop long enough to hear the real answer, instead they probably without thinking, tell me that everything is going to be ok, and that i am an overcomer and that they love me.
As if those words wipe away all the pain i feel. i need support right now, not words that are said without even thinking.
Everything will be Ok, I am in overcomer and I will get through this with an Amazing God who has never stopped loving me.
But right now those words, are just that, a bunch of words to make me feel better.
YET THEY DONT.
And the more people speak those words, without hearing my heart, the more alone I feel. the more I feel like I should go back to being fake, pretending to be ok, just to not feel so alone.
But I know I cant be fake any longer....
So I will grab God's hand as best as I can, and be as real as I can, even if it means on the earth I will feel so alone....
pretty little world vs. the true reality
Sometimes to protect ourselves we create this pretty little world , and in this world, its where we are able to deal with the situations, mostly painful or traumatizing situations by maybe pretending that they didn't affect us as much as they really did. By minimizing the event, we are able to keep our emotions in check, and to function in everyday life like we need too....
But there comes a day where this pretty little world, is taken away, and the true reality of those events in our lives comes to the surface....those emotions we tried to keep in check, come rushing back like an overwhelming flood.
Today was the beginning of this pretty little world vs. the true reality for me....
It's painful and I am not so sure I am ready to face this true reality, but I also know that if the choice was up to me I would never face it, because its painful and ugly and REAL!!!!
I have to face it to heal, I have to acknowledge that what happened to me was REAL and painful, and hurting and has affected every area of my life...AND I have to let myself FEEL the emotions that come along with this reality.
One baby step at a time........
But there comes a day where this pretty little world, is taken away, and the true reality of those events in our lives comes to the surface....those emotions we tried to keep in check, come rushing back like an overwhelming flood.
Today was the beginning of this pretty little world vs. the true reality for me....
It's painful and I am not so sure I am ready to face this true reality, but I also know that if the choice was up to me I would never face it, because its painful and ugly and REAL!!!!
I have to face it to heal, I have to acknowledge that what happened to me was REAL and painful, and hurting and has affected every area of my life...AND I have to let myself FEEL the emotions that come along with this reality.
One baby step at a time........
Living Life
How do you tell your heart to beat again, when its been numb and broken for so long? How do you start living life when all you have done for so many years is go through the motions and try to survive? How do you tell people around you that think your doing wonderful, that inside your hurting and not sure how to find God in the midst of the pain?
I have been sort of numb to life the last few days...because the emotions became to much to bear it was easier to pretend and try to forget if only for a few moments....
But deep down inside, I really want to live this abundant life that Jesus bought for me, when He paid the price on the Cross. I really want to walk with my Abba through the journey of healing, so that I can become the person, He has seen me as, since before I was born. I want to believe I am worthy of love, and that I am beautiful and breathe taking to my Creator.
I know one day I will get to that place and when I do it will be so amazing and this journey I am on will have been well worth it.....
Although right now there are a lot of questions, and a lot of doubts, and many sleepless nights, and tears cried.
For right now I remember the story in Matthew, where it talks about a man who asked Jesus to heal his son, And he told Jesus, " Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief"...
So today I am choosing to say "Abba, I believe in You and I trust that you are holding me in this and that You will continue to walk with me through all of this, but I ask that you help me in my areas of unbelief and doubts...in Jesus Name...Amen"
I have been sort of numb to life the last few days...because the emotions became to much to bear it was easier to pretend and try to forget if only for a few moments....
But deep down inside, I really want to live this abundant life that Jesus bought for me, when He paid the price on the Cross. I really want to walk with my Abba through the journey of healing, so that I can become the person, He has seen me as, since before I was born. I want to believe I am worthy of love, and that I am beautiful and breathe taking to my Creator.
I know one day I will get to that place and when I do it will be so amazing and this journey I am on will have been well worth it.....
Although right now there are a lot of questions, and a lot of doubts, and many sleepless nights, and tears cried.
For right now I remember the story in Matthew, where it talks about a man who asked Jesus to heal his son, And he told Jesus, " Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief"...
So today I am choosing to say "Abba, I believe in You and I trust that you are holding me in this and that You will continue to walk with me through all of this, but I ask that you help me in my areas of unbelief and doubts...in Jesus Name...Amen"
A loss of words and answers this week....
This week, has been one of those weeks, that I wish I could just forget most of it, and repeat the other half of it....I made stupid choices this week, cried more then laughed, and took out my frustration and pain on those I love...
Yet somewhere in the midst of this last week, I have been reminded that there is a God who still loves me when I am angry at Him, or question why He is asking me to walk such a painful and at times feels hopeless, journey.
I don't know why some people seems to understand God in such a powerful way, and why others of us struggle to hold onto the truth that HE LOVES US UNCONDITIONALLY.
But for right now, I am going to hold onto the words in Lamentations 3:28-30 Message Version
When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.
31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:
Yet somewhere in the midst of this last week, I have been reminded that there is a God who still loves me when I am angry at Him, or question why He is asking me to walk such a painful and at times feels hopeless, journey.
I don't know why some people seems to understand God in such a powerful way, and why others of us struggle to hold onto the truth that HE LOVES US UNCONDITIONALLY.
But for right now, I am going to hold onto the words in Lamentations 3:28-30 Message Version
When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.
31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:
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