Praise and Worship

I woke up this morning feeling a bit sad....yet I managed to get myself out of bed, into the shower and ready for church in record time....

Yet church isn't a place I have wanted to be lately...to be completely honest...I walk in and feel like I have to put on the smile everyone wants to see...

But somehow this morning...it was different...as much as I tried I couldn't fake the smile...instead almost 5 minutes after walking in, the tears brimming in my eyes threatened to spill out...

I tend not to allow others to see my emotions but I am quickly learning on this journey, that in order to heal I have to let my emotions out, I have to allow myself to feel those emotions and no longer try to deny or pretend they don't exist...

TRUTH: My emotions do exist, and yet I have spent countless years avoiding them...at all cost...which has lead to many years of tears that have never been cried, pain that has never been dealt with and a string of other emotions I never knew I had because I wouldn't let myself have them....

So today during praise and worship at church...the tears came...so quickly that for a few moments I felt like I was unable to breathe... but I ALLOWED them to fall....which I know may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people but for me it was I think a big step right now..

I kept singing the songs that were played...and I felt like it was a moment where I stopped fighting God and allowed Him to bring the emotions to the surface...

I am realizing for the first time just how much I have buried deep inside, and that this is a JOURNEY not a FIX IT IN ONE DAY problem.

It's only the beginning....

I have chosen to blog about my journey of healing, maybe through this it will bring more healing as I write out my thoughts and my feelings, and also bring insight and healing to those who have or may not have walked a similar journey that I am now just beginning.

Today as I walked out of my therapy session, my therapist gives me a hug and tells me to protect my heart...

The thought that runs through my mind is how do I protect my heart??? If you ask me, that's what I have been doing for the last 23 years of my life, protecting my heart, building walls so that no one would be able to hurt me again....

You see I grew up in what most people would call, a HIGHLY DYSFUNCTIONAL family. And I had to learn to protect myself at all costs...to survive no matter what happened....and along the way I built walls, and locked a lot of doors in my heart, and I threw away the key....I didn't just lock people out, I locked the little girl inside me in....

I didn't want people to hear or see that broken, wounded, bleeding little girl inside me....

And for many many years I have hid her behind the title of being the Sweet Young Lady everyone wanted me to be...in Church I am the Usher and the Children's Ministry Worker, At work I am the Loving Nanny, At School I am the dedicated Bible School Student....but underneath those titles I am just a young lady who loves the Lord, but has never allowed Him into the locked rooms in her heart, never allowed Him to heal the broken little girl who still hides in the corner and cries at night.


So this is my journey...of taking off the masks and allowing God to walk me in a journey of healing. Some posts may be encouraging while others may be full of pain and raw truth....but I am taking a step to show the world the truth, the pain, the joy, and the journey of healing that I am only beginning...