Life's unexpected turns

I'm sick in bed, a matter of days before Christmas, I really honestly wouldn't mind staying here till Christmas is over... But life's and it's unexpected turns has other plans...

I am now part of a family where children are looking forward to my excitement and joy on Christmas. And after all, it's all about Christ and His gift to us.... I know I am a wreachted sinner in need of the unending grace and mercy given.

But the depression threatens to overwhelm...but I AM stronger then last Christmas and I will get through this somehow... And hopefully find some joy doing it....that's my prayer!!!

Woke up feeling like my heart is broken beyond repair, that the damaged caused can not be undone...that I will always be broken....

Scared to let God love me, Scared to fully believe that love can be healing and beautiful, when all its ever been is a terrible trap...

Trying to go back...

I was one of those little girls, who never wanted to grow up...what I saw as a child from an adult was only pain and heartache. Promises broken, and lives fall apart.

And right now at 23 I still don't want to grow up...

What I want is to be a little girl who is loved, instead of abused, a little girl who laughs, instead of cries in the dark because she is afraid, a little girl who knows she is a princess because her daddy is the King of Kings. A little girl who lives with a family that is kind, and has dinners together and plays together....

But that is just a dream, because that little girl is no where to be found...instead I am fighting moving forward in my healing because I just want to go back and change all the ugly memories I have. To make things right.

But I can't...and it hurts!!!!!!!

Blessings

It always seem that when I reach the point of hopelessness and can't do anything anymore, and I finally cry out to God, that He always comes through. This time it was in the form of a job!!! Something I have needed for a while, but it wasn't until I stopped trying to do it myself and gave it to God that He came through!!!

It is such a blessing, and a refreshing sense of hope for me the last two days. I woke up this morning ready to rejoice in the glory of God and looking forward to the day...

And I think I finally realized that just because things are going great right now, doesnt mean that the struggles have gone away or that I won't have moments of tears and feeling lost...but I think for the first time in a long time I feel HOPEFUL!

HOPEFUL that God hasn't given up on me, that He hears my prayers and is faithful to answer when I surrender to Him, hopeful that I do have a future beyond the pain of my past!!!...

So today I am thankful for the many blessing, such a loving God has poured on me, and I am thankful for the pain I have to walk through, because without it I wouldn't see all the blessing in the midst of the pain!!!

<3

Confusion, So much confusion...

Didn't get to have therapy today, like I had hoped, she had to cancel. So now I am just stuck with all these thoughts going on in my head. My eyes burning with tears that I refuse to let fall.

How did I get to this place? A place where I question everything I thought I knew. Even questioning God, which scares me, because I feel like I am not suppose to question Him. But I just don't understand anything right now.

I should rejoice that this month celebrates my 3 years Post-Mercy. And how far I have come since then, but in a lot of ways I feel like I haven't grown at all.

It's just hard...and they only way through it is to seek God, but I feel so unworthy, misunderstood, and ashamed right now,

all I can say is, "Lord, please meet me in this place...please"

Lost..

The last few days have been really hard, i seem to be in a deep fog, im having a hard time pulling myself out of. Last night I turned to some old coping habits, only to find that they no longer numb me like i want them too, instead i woke up in a greater state of sadness and depression.

I am just so tired of hurting emotionally, and no one really understanding, and those that do, are dealing with a lot in their own lives, so I don't want to burden them with mine..so I am left feeling lonely.

Nightmares and flashbacks from the CSA are hitting in heavy and intense waves...some times making me sick to my stomach.

I am just so tired today, and lost....

finding words...

I haven't been posting in a long time. I realized I just couldn't find the words...and many times I found myself typing a post, but never being able to click the publish button.

So I am just going to write and whatever comes out, I will leave as is, so if you can't understand of it, I apologize ahead of time.

What is healing?? How would you define healing?

 Webster, : to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome...

 I think I have been getting this whole healing thing mixed up...because instead of trying to overcome, the struggle and things I am dealing with, I have been trying to forget them. But I CANT FORGET, and that's the biggest problem in my healing lately, as I am beginning to not only remember my past, I am having to walk through the emotions of it all as well...And the memories alone can be overwhelming. Then throw in years of repressed emotions...and you get a BIG MESS!!!


Where is God in the midst of all this?


I could give you the "Christian" answer and that would be that God is right beside me, walking with me.
But as I thought about it today, I don't think God is right beside me, I think He is in front of me, saying "Trinity, I am here, listen to my voice, follow my voice, let my voice guide you to the light, that is at the end of this dark tunnel."

Because lately I feel like my life has been a blind walk in a dark tunnel..and I have not  been doing a great job at trying to find my way out of it..I just sat down and gave up. Not in a literal way, but I think in an emotional, I dont know if I can really go forward kind of way. 


Today during therapy, Donna told me that I was carrying the load of way to many people, God only intended us to carry our own load, and if that is not enough, God asks us to Him the things we hold onto, trading our load for His, which is light. 

A LOT EASIER SAID THEN DONE!!! 


She then asked me if there was a one person whose load I felt like I could give up first, who would it be...and I thought of my dad....Sound's crazy, right? My dad is a grown man living his own life...But if you take a glimpse in my heart...


You would see that I blame myself, for HIS drug use, thinking if I could have not been born sick, or been a better daughter who wouldn't have used drugs. For all the times he would leave and not come back, I wondered what I did to make him leave. 
I have been carry years of false guilt, guilt that doesn't belong to me, on my dad's behalf... (I am not saying that my dad is a horrible person....) I love him dearly, but he made some horrible choices that have left me hurt and broken for many years...
As I thought about this more today...I realized that in my mind I thought if I made my dad's choices, my fault and my responsibility, then it would make what he did hurt less...but I have only added more pain to myself......


I have a lot of work to do in the area of healing, to overcome my past...but God is standing in front of me " Trinity...my daughter, I love you, and you CAN do this.." 


And that is all I need to know right now.

Fear of letting go, fear of moving forward.....

I haven't posted on this blog in quiet a while. Its hard to find words...as things are constantly changing. I am finally feeling a little better about life, now that the medicine is working more.

I find myself in a constant state of fear lately...fear of facing the past and moving forward...letting go of these bad coping mechanisms I have used to survive for so long.And fear of moving forward...afraid of what the future does or doesn't hold. 

I had a really long therapy session today, which was helpful...as she just let me talk and get my thoughts and feelings out in the open...but i couldn't connect the emotions to the feeling...laughing at moments I should probably be crying, and joking in moments when its not really funny...but it was my way of dealing with it, without really dealing with it if that makes sense.

Tomorrow night I start a support group called Untangling Relationships. I am nervous, as I never like rooms full of people...but I am trying to be positive and hope this works out, and I can actually find support and understanding from people who are going through similar things....

There is no quick fix to healing..its a long, painful process...an uphill battle...I just have to keep fighting, because even though I don't know how or when...somehow it has to be ok!

sometimes it feels as though this painful road will never end...

it's been an intense week and a half. i spent 6 days in the hospital, psych unit. now i am trying to get adjusted to the medication they have me on, hoping that it will begin to make some of the darkness disappear so that i can really start to work on all the pain that lies underneath the darkness of depression.

but sometimes like today i question if this painful journey will ever end??

Packages...

A Walk on the Beach....

Some of my family for the first time in years, sent me Christmas gifts, and I received them just about an hour ago. As I was opening them, I wasn't sure what to expect, considering my relationship with my family, is far from great. But my aunt sent me this picture, taken when her and I were walking on the beach after my grandfather's memorial service. And I cried looking at it, as I remember that at that moment, on that walk, I felt a hopefully for the future, but lately, that hope has all but disappeared. Today this was a reminder, I believe that God sent to help me see, that if I just hold on there can be a future...I just have to hold on. Big things can come in small packages!

christmas eve...and a mixture of thoughts

ive been dreading these next couple days for so long, and now that they are here. I don't know how to feel, trying to keep a positive attitude about it all, but everything is so different. some for the better, some not so good changes.
trying to make sense of it all, is hard, trying to figure out where i belong on this whole big ball, called earth. everything i once thought was truth, is now slipping through my fingers as i realize, that my truth, wasn't truth at all, but lies that have been told to me for so many years that i began to believe them, to the point that now i feel like my world is being turned upside down at the realization of all of this...

"The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much" (beautiful by mercy me) 

I don't have strength today, i feel worthless, and i am wondering if anyone will ever truly love me, the me behind the smile they see...

but today i am going to try as best as i can to hold onto the reason we celebrate these couple days...Jesus...maybe if i can just hold onto Him, everything may not be so horrid after all, even in this pain.... 

not feeling like myself...

i don't feel like myself a lot lately. waking up confused, having to remember where i am at and whats going on around me. i seem to still function through the day ok, but i feel so dissociated from everything at the same time. i don't know how to make sense of it all either. its only a few days before Christmas, maybe that's why i am feeling this way, as Christmas has always been the time where some of the worst things happened in my childhood.

i hate the fact i can't seem to explain whats going on inside me. so many different things all at once, and i feel like i cant stop any of it. yet still having to put on the smile and the everything is ok face, for the sake of others not asking questions, or telling me to snap out of it....

no words

i feel like no words can describe what goes on inside me sometimes...the emptiness...the struggle to make it through the day. i shouldn't have to fight so hard to just get through a normal day...(then again i dont believe "normal" exists)


im just tired...so very tired...

sad

just feeling sad today..cried for a long time after waking up this morning. it takes a lot for me to let myself cry usually...but today the tears keep falling...

Counseling Appt. Today.

I want to scream, to use unhealthy coping skills to avoid feeling right now. I want to believe that my therapist really cares but right now I am so hurt. I don't know how to process everything she said, and I feel after a certain point I just shut her out, I know that everything she said is what I need to do...but I think so much of me doesn't want to let go...

I guess on some level, I thought that maybe someone could change my past, could change it all, so that the pain was no longer there. Someone who would tell me what I wanted to hear, that the past was just all a bad dream and that one day I would wake up and it would all be over....but today that's not what happend.

Instead, I was told, that yes my past is painful and horrid but I need to take steps to move forward. I know that is true...but that also means that I have to accept my past for what it was and accept the pain and begin to take steps toward my future despite it.

But it hurts and its hard, I have spent years running and trying not to accept it all....

Maybe all that I am writing makes no sense, but I just need to try and make sense of it somehow.

I didn't wake up one morning asking to be a 23 yr old adult who is struggling so much at times not wanting to make it till tomorrow...I didn't choose my past...I didn't choose to be a victim...or a survivor. But I am!

And just like my counselor told me today, I can't change my past....no matter how much I may want to. I have to move forward somehow... even in the Pain!

But it all hurts like hell!

darkness...

I can some how manage to get through my mornings, and afternoons...but the moment the sun goes down, the darkness of the night, seems to penetrate everything within me....the anxiety rises, the fear overwhelms, and the memories hit, like a crashing wave I can't escape.
I struggle through the night, praying I will just sleep it away, but sleep is filled with horrid dreams..waking up often, feeling like I got hit by a truck in the morning.
I was suppose to go to church this morning, haven't been in a over a month. But again I couldn't get myself to walk in a building and see the joy of faces, when all I feel is tired, sad, and so far away from God. So I decided to get up and go for a walk instead, but today not even the sunlight on my face, or the morning seems to wash away the darkness in my mind, and heart.

Moments like this make me wonder, why I keep fighting so hard, when the harder I fight the more the darkness of my past seems to affect every tiny detail of my life. Tomorrow I have therapy for the first time in about three weeks, and I am at a lose as to where to begin....

I know that it will help to talk about it, but how do I talk about these things. How do I put a voice to this darkness, when for years it has kept me silenced. Silenced by fear of what others will think, silenced by the truth that so many people don't understand the road I have walked, and instead of trying to understand, they just tell me to get over it, to move on, to let go of the past. But for me the past isn't the past, it's my everyday life.

So many thoughts running through my mind today...and all i want to do is crawl back in bed, because the sun is up, which means I can sleep for at least a couple hours....until the darkness invades again!

Trauma.

Trauma in a person life, no matter how big or small, changes you. In my own life there have been many years of trauma, no need to go into the details right now, other then to say I have spent my life, trying to convince myself that I am ok, and that the trauma that happened in my life wasn't really that bad. BUT I was lying to myself and to the world around me,

It has changed me, and I am just beginning to realize just how much it has changed me..some ways for the better, but right now I am seeing all the hurtful ways it has changed me. The constant fear.

I was talking to a dear friend tonight, and I asked her, if she could go back and change her life, would she?...after a moment of silence, she said "no, I wouldn't..." we both agreed that if we could just know then, what we know now....hindsight 20/20 if you will.

The tears threaten to spill over, as I write this, because the memories are right at the surface. years of memories I wish I could erase. I wish I could tell the little girl inside of me, that its going to be ok....that she can cry these tears...but right now I don't know if I can do that....

I wish I didn't trust the words of a man, who's only goal was to get what he wanted from me, using any means necessary....including telling me and making me believe that he loved me....

no words to describe the pain I feel tonight...as the reality of the trauma in my life, begins to come to the surface....

....I hate this....

I hate these constant memories...even in moments when nothing is really triggering me, but they keep playing in my head like a movie where the stop button is broken....

His face, the way he was missing one part of his finger on his right hand., the smell of his breathe on me.... its all playing my head...

the tears are burning behind my eyes, and my stomach is in knots but if you saw me face to face today...i would put on the smile, to somehow make you believe that im ok...

BUT THE TRUTH IS IM NOT AND I WONDER IF I EVER WILL BE!!

so tired of the fakeness.

I am tired of being fake, pretending life is wonderful, that I am doing great and that everything is perfect.

BECAUSE ITS NOT!!

Life hurts right now, and I am trying my best to hold onto God and push through the pain. But I refuse to pretend any longer...but people around me dont want to see the broken girl inside me, they dont want to see the sadness that lays behind every smile...

they ask whats wrong, but they dont stop long enough to hear the real answer, instead they probably without thinking, tell me that everything is going to be ok, and that i am an overcomer and that they love me.

As if those words wipe away all the pain i feel. i need support right now, not words that are said without even thinking.

Everything will be Ok, I am in overcomer and I will get through this with an Amazing God who has never stopped loving me.

But right now those words, are just that, a bunch of words to make me feel better.

YET THEY DONT.

And the more people speak those words, without hearing my heart, the more alone I feel. the more I feel like I should go back to being fake, pretending to be ok, just to not feel so alone.

But I know I cant be fake any longer....

So I will grab God's hand as best as I can, and be as real as I can, even if it means on the earth I will feel so alone....

pretty little world vs. the true reality

Sometimes to protect ourselves we create this pretty little world , and in this world,  its where we are able to deal with the situations, mostly painful or traumatizing situations by maybe pretending that they didn't affect us as much as they really did. By minimizing the event, we are able to keep our emotions in check, and to function in everyday life like we need too....

But there comes a day where this pretty little world, is taken away, and the true reality of those events in our lives comes to the surface....those emotions we tried to keep in check, come rushing back like an overwhelming flood.

Today was the beginning of this pretty little world vs. the true reality for me....

It's painful and I am not so sure I am ready to face this true reality, but I also know that if the choice was up to me I would never face it, because its painful and ugly and REAL!!!!

I have to face it to heal, I have to acknowledge that what happened to me was REAL and painful, and hurting and has affected every area of my life...AND I have to let myself FEEL the emotions that come along with this reality.

One baby step at a time........